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karit
Jul. 5th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
review, part one
YES!!! Er, I mean, wow, that's great! I will now try very, very hard to give a decent review. Usually, my reviews consist of things like, "I like it! Can't wait to see more." I'm very original, sometimes I say it in a different order.

Um, anyway. I will try for some decent concrit. Hope you don't mind the length... when I decide to really review something, I really review it.

On a cool Tokyo night a creature oozed out of a magic well.

You need a comma in between "On a cool Tokyo night" and "a creature..."

It lay there for a while, seemingly exhausted, its amorphous body heaving rhythmically in what looked suspiciously like breathing.

This looks a bit awkward to me. You can't really see breathing. Respiration, maybe? Although you can't really see that, either... Maybe something like, "heaving rhythmically in what seemed suspiciously to be breathing."

Its thoughts were still a jumbled mess, erratic electric discharges located by sheer habit where its head hand once been, but one thought was clear and knife-edge cold.

I'm not sure what you were trying to say, there. What's a head hand? I think maybe you had something written, and then changed your mind, only to leave part of the original behind?

I do love the rest of the sentence. "Clear and knife-edge cold" is just beautiful imagery. It gave me the shivers.

When the blob talks about feeling pure energy from the house, was that Kagome?

In the next scene, where Kagome dreams of mirrors, the whole atmosphere is ominous. I really liked how the feeling of dread and danger just permeated the writing. Then, at the end, when Kanna says Kagome has no soul to take, I just shuddered. Oh, and I did wonder, once I read all the way through... she mentioned leaving the bow on the other side of the well along with sweets for Shippo, but then later, when she first sees Kakashi, she says it's under her bed. Is that a continuity error, or does she have two bows?

Also, after I read the whole chapter and now that I'm going over it again, can I say I really admire the way you make it seem like it's all happening at the same time--the creature arriving and Kakashi arriving--only to find out later that they're months apart? The shock is just brilliant, and I was gleeful when I figured it out. It added a whole element of interest that just wouldn't have been there if you'd made it clear in the beginning that there was time between the two. If that makes any sense?

Okay, now on to Kakashi's scene!

His grumbling thoughts on Tsunade's not asking is just hilarious, and perfect for Kakashi. After the creepy Kagome dream, it was just what was needed to snap the reader into the next part of the story. Also? Mosquito in his trousers was hilarious. I laughed out loud.

His jump into the well is... unique. Also ominous. Pakkun disappearing in a puff of smoke was... also ominous. And it made me squeal in excitement (Kakashi's on his own!) and worry (no one knows where he is!).

Next scene. ^_^; Cat pee. The cat pee thing is funny. I feel sorry for Kakashi.

He seemed to be in some sort of shed whose owner did not seem to possess a broom but owned -- or was owned by -- a cat. And a bicycle. And, surprisingly, no skulls or torture implements whatsoever.

That paragraph? THE BEST BIT OF WRITING EVER. I LOVE YOU. "Or was owned by" = hysterical. Then added almost as an afterthought, surprisingly no skulls or torture implements. I LOVE YOU. I laughed my butt off. Well, okay, I smiled. But it's a brilliant bit of writing anyway.
karit
Jul. 5th, 2005 12:11 pm (UTC)
review, part two
I'm a bit confused on Kakashi getting into Kagome's room. He did go through her window, right? The seal is also curious... Kagome later says her window was locked, but he clearly went in through it because it was ajar. Was she referring to the seal when she says her window was locked? Or was she just mistaken, and the seal is a whole different thing?

She stares at his crotch. That's just... precious. Seriously, amazingly precious. I love you. Really. Although it's unfair that she gets to do it when he's in her bedroom in the middle of the night, and all of us Kakashi fangirls have to do it through some kind of glass while watching an episode or reading a chapter of the manga. Lucky girl.

...but then she goes and asks him if she's still dreaming, and there's a chance he's still good-looking in disguise? Oh, Kagome. You stupid, stupid girl. KAKASHI. She really needs to get a good look under that mask. Seriously. She will be shooting herself for asking a stupid question like THAT.

You really do write Kakashi perfectly. He does just exude boredom, and having Kagome see it in nearly complete darkness is so right.

If he's trying to scare her, he should know that it's working. Kagome... you just leave me speechless. And you, as the writer, have my eternal devotion. So funny! And Kakashi's reaction is again, just perfect.

And now the real interation begins. I love the way you write the two of them together. Right now, they're awkward and unfamiliar, but I can almost see how they'll fit together later. It's exciting, and I like it a lot. I can't wait to really see where they're going. And still, they're not quite fitting together yet. They almost sort of grate against each other, two people without any common bond. Plus, he's considering using her. That's not exactly the best beginning. But... there's something, and I see it.

Her telling him to take off his mask is also very funny. His stare, and her "I'm serious. You can't keep it on," really is hysterical. I nearly died. I can't wait to see her reaction to his face! Although... she did regularly see Sesshoumaru as a fifteen year old ball of hormones (what? All fifteen year old girls are balls of hormones), and didn't melt into a puddle, so maybe it won't be much of a reaction. Still, I can imagine. And laugh.

Okay, and now that moment I was mentioning earlier. The shocker. Months ago. Just... one minute, the reader is at ease, eager to see what happens next, but calm, and then... BAM. Months ago. It's a huge jolt, and it really gets you into the story. Perfect.

I want to know exactly what he means by "Everyone I loved is dead. A lie," and being an idiot. Who's he talking about? Why's that so important right at that moment? I have ideas, but I want to know for sure.

Poor Kagome... her speech nearly undid me. How absolutely devastating. Her line about Inuyasha wanting ramen and Shippo wanting sweets was so sad.

And then it's the end. AUGH, I nearly screamed. It's not a cliffhanger, but... nothing really happened, and I want to get to the action! The story! The... everything! Despite my frustration, it is a good ending. Now there's no way I can't sit around anxiously waiting for the next chapter, and that's probably just what you want.

So, um... wow. Yeah, I think that's decent concrit. ^-^; Embarrassingly long concrit. Incredibly detailed and nearly unending concrit that had to be broken into two comments. I hope you like concrit. o.o Anyway, it will probably never happen again, but I love this first chapter a LOT, and I can't wait to see more!
technoelfie
Jul. 6th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC)
Re: review, part two
The seal is also curious... Kagome later says her window was locked, but he clearly went in through it because it was ajar. Was she referring to the seal when she says her window was locked? Or was she just mistaken, and the seal is a whole different thing?

Kagome sealed the house (she's suffering from nightmares and rather paranoid about youkai attacking her family), but she was mistaken about the window being locked. It was locked initially, but since she can't stand stuffy rooms ever since she returned, she tends to open it herself during the night. She just forgot.

This is another detail I decided to pick up again later on. :)

Right now, they're awkward and unfamiliar, but I can almost see how they'll fit together later. It's exciting, and I like it a lot. I can't wait to really see where they're going. And still, they're not quite fitting together yet. They almost sort of grate against each other, two people without any common bond.

It was really important to me that their first impression of each other is not necessarily a favourable one. And I really didn't want her to swoon over Kakashi right away -- even if *I* think he's dead sexy, he makes for a strange first impression. ^_^

And yes, he considers using her. It is my opinion that Kakashi is genuinely cold and calculating -- much colder than he is usually portrayed. He is a professional killer after all, and raised to have a nearly fanatical devotion to his village. The mission will always come first for him.

Okay, and now that moment I was mentioning earlier. The shocker. Months ago. Just... one minute, the reader is at ease, eager to see what happens next, but calm, and then... BAM. Months ago. It's a huge jolt, and it really gets you into the story. Perfect.

*wibbles* Thaaaaank youuuu! ♥

I want to know exactly what he means by "Everyone I loved is dead. A lie," and being an idiot.

In the series Sasuke threatens Kakashi once (a rather pitiful attempt at a threat), by saying he might kill his loved ones. Kakashi replies that everyone he loved is dead, and his behaviour throughout the series makes it clear that he's taken care not to form any close attachments to anyone since then. Now that there's a decent chance that he'll never get to see his world again he realizes that he might have formed deeper attachments than he first thought, and that he's lied to himself all along.

Again, this is something I only wanted to hint at, so I could expand on it later in the story.

It's not a cliffhanger, but... nothing really happened, and I want to get to the action! The story! The... everything!

That might take a while. This is not an action story in the classic sense. It's as much about character growth as it is about the plot.

And I can only reiterate that I loved the concrit -- I rarely get critique that insightful and detailed. Thank you very, very much! ♥♥♥


karit
Jul. 6th, 2005 06:37 am (UTC)
Re: review, part two
It was really important to me that their first impression of each other is not necessarily a favourable one. And I really didn't want her to swoon over Kakashi right away -- even if *I* think he's dead sexy, he makes for a strange first impression. ^_^

He really does! And I think having a less-than-favorable first impression is a really good idea. It added a sense of realism that a lot of fanfics don't have. People do not generally swoon over someone immediately, even if they do think the other is attractive. Usually, it takes a bit of time.

That's how I feel, anyway.

Now that there's a decent chance that he'll never get to see his world again he realizes that he might have formed deeper attachments than he first thought, and that he's lied to himself all along.

Ack! This is where my inability to explain myself is really annoying. I did know what you meant by having him mention the "everyone I loved is dead" bit. I'm a really obsessive Naruto fan, so that wasn't even something I had to think about. I meant that I wanted to know who he'd realized he loved. Team 7? Some of the other jounin? Who? XD I didn't really want to know, it was a rhetorical question, I think.

In other words, I am going to be eagerly waiting for you to expand on that. :D You definitely caught my attention with that line.

That might take a while. This is not an action story in the classic sense. It's as much about character growth as it is about the plot.

*nod* Hm, I'd been expecting more of an action plot. At least a little, because of the blob, but that's good. I actually like character-based stories better than action. It depends on the story, though.

And I can only reiterate that I loved the concrit -- I rarely get critique that insightful and detailed. Thank you very, very much!

No problem... ^-^; I figured you'd either appreciate it, or be really creeped out. I'm glad it's the former rather than the latter... like I said, usually I only say "good, want more!" It's only the fics that really grab my attention that get anything more than that. ^-^ And even then, I have to be in a productive mood, which happens even less.
technoelfie
Jul. 6th, 2005 04:23 am (UTC)
Re: review, part one
First of all thanks for the concrit, I edited the relevant parts. :)

This looks a bit awkward to me. You can't really see breathing.

Actually you can, by the way the chest expands. That change in body volume used in animation to suggest breathing in an exaggerated way, even in blobby, non-human characters.

What's a head hand?

"where its head had once been" is correct. I changed that, thanks for spotting it. :)

When the blob talks about feeling pure energy from the house, was that Kagome?

Yep. I consciously decided against spelling everything out. I prefer to drop little hints and let the readers take it from there.

she mentioned leaving the bow on the other side of the well along with sweets for Shippo, but then later, when she first sees Kakashi, she says it's under her bed. Is that a continuity error, or does she have two bows?

It was supposed to be a hint that Kagome is still stuck in the past for the most part -- she left her old bow behind, but bought a new one at home and kept practicing archery for a while in the hopes that she might be able to go back. It's a small detail I was planning to expand on in future chapters. I changed the second bit so it says "practice bow". I hope that's enough so the two bows don't get confused.

Also, after I read the whole chapter and now that I'm going over it again, can I say I really admire the way you make it seem like it's all happening at the same time--the creature arriving and Kakashi arriving--only to find out later that they're months apart?

Thanks! The chapter went through seventeen revisions (this is only the current count). It's integral to the plot, so I really had to get it right. ^^;




karit
Jul. 6th, 2005 06:27 am (UTC)
Re: review, part one
Actually you can, by the way the chest expands. That change in body volume used in animation to suggest breathing in an exaggerated way, even in blobby, non-human characters.

I figured that's what you meant, but I didn't explain myself well enough. I was just nit-picking. You can see the chest expand and contract when someone is breathing, but you're not actually seeing them breathing. You're seeing their chest expand and contract, and you can assume that means they're breathing. Breathing is not actually visible in and of itself.

As an example of this, if a person breathes shallowly enough that their chest doesn't visibly move, you can't tell that they are. If breathing itself was visible, you'd know someone was breathing whether or not their chest was moving.

Like I said, I was just nit-picking. You can leave it as it is, it's not important in the least. I'm sure no one but me actually cares.
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