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Years ago, I used to run up to boys who were at least a head taller than me and challenge them to fights. Obviously, no one wanted to hit a little girl so I told them I had a black belt and kicked them in the shin. That tended to work quite well most of the time.

I always lost. Badly. But I never ran home crying. And all those boys became my buddies.

I remember sitting in the small, cool cinema during the hottest summer days, watching Buster Keaton movies and things like The Magnificent Seven and all those Bud Spencer and Terence Hill flicks. And then they showed Star Wars - A New Hope, ages after it had come out in the west, and I went and watched it twice a day for the whole week it was showing. On Sunday I cried because nobody wanted to go with me a third time and they wouldn't let me go alone.

My bicycle was an X-wing for one whole summer.

I remember the winter when they delivered bananas at the grocery store two streets away, and everyone stood in the queue that went down the whole street and around the corner. It was below 20 degrees Celsius outside and we were freezing, but all I could think about were bananas. And then we bought our ration and got home and they were green. I can still see my parents' faces as they tried to explain to me that the bananas needed time to ripen and my utter determination to eat one right now. So I put one in the oven and it turned black instead of golden and, needless to say, tasted absolutely horrible. The following weeks were the longest of my life as I waited for the things to lose the icky green colour.

And I still was happier then than I've ever been here, despite the empty stores and the lack of heating and the thousands other little things that should have made me miserable but didn't. I wonder whether I'll ever feel at home anywhere again.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 17th, 2004 08:53 pm (UTC)
I know the feeling. I often think about my childhood memories, and often times wish I could go back to that, despite having zero friends. I had fun playing by myself.

-hugs- Being an adult is scary. The freedom you're given is something no one's really ready for, and all the responsibility can sometimes be a little overwhelming. Even as a fifteen-year-old still in high school, I understand this very well. But, as long as you have good memories, and you never forget them, you don't have to be sad. Because remembering the good times does make you smile, doesn't it?
Sep. 20th, 2004 03:51 am (UTC)
*huggles back*

I think just about any age is scary and challenging in its own way -- after all, one grows with every new challenge. I'm not even sad, as such. I only wish I hadn't grown so jaded.

Then again, maybe I just need a holiday -- sun and fun on a tropical beach somewhere. :P
Sep. 20th, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
Ah, yeah. Though, so far, only adulthood frightens me the most currently. Well, besides my doubt in being able to pass some of the classes I'm currently taking, but anyway... at least I tried at some crazy philosophical thing. ^^;

That's probably it. I hope you're able to go and have some fun soon, I don't want to see my wonderful Techy go insane/really depressed from this. -more huggles-
Sep. 22nd, 2004 03:25 am (UTC)
Generally, you should be able to pass all classes you're interested in. The interest part is usually the problem. *sigh*

I promise to have fun as soon as I've figured out again how that works without a computer. I guess will have to ring up my few remaining real life friends...
Sep. 26th, 2004 04:08 pm (UTC)
Well, looks like I'm going to fail all but three classes this year - Drawing and Painting, Health, and Gym(the last two being a given since they're so easy). Don't worry, I just like whining about that and making it seem likeI'll fail, when I'll magically pull my grades back up in a spontaneous moment of non-laziness.

Ys, that's always the hard part. Fun outside of the computer seems like a foolish idea for them "sane people".
Sep. 20th, 2004 01:59 pm (UTC)
I know exactly how you feel. The scariest thing for me was moving out into my dorm room for uni. It was a whole new part of my life, and it was scary. I don't know where you are in life, or what's making you think of your past, but I know that everything I saw reminded me of something wonderful from my childhood.

Adulthood was scariest for me. I don't *really* think of myself as an adult (yeah, matrue and adult-ish, right :P), but I'm legally an adult, and I have to do adult things, so it's weird. But, my memories still make me happy. At least I have them.

Besides, being old can kick ASS. I mean, could you go completely insane and go on spontanious shopping/drinking sprees as a four-year-old? :P
Sep. 22nd, 2004 03:21 am (UTC)
Well, I just finished uni and got a job, and I simply found myself looking back. Having a full time job is scary to me because it isn't a simple routine 9 to 5 thing, and it's challenging. But I will grow into it.

I mean, could you go completely insane and go on spontanious shopping/drinking sprees as a four-year-old? :P

Heh. No. But I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, so there will be no shopping sprees until I do. That depressed me I guess. :P
Sep. 23rd, 2004 05:58 am (UTC)
I lived in Britain in the first four years of my life. I remember that I lived in this little neighborhood that curved in a circle and went back to the main road no matter how hard you tried to get somewhere else on it. Situated almost perfectly in the middle was this gigantic willow tree that everybody loved to swing on, despite that scolding of adults who told us not to.

I remember that I had one main friend there - a girl with dark brown, almost black, hair named Jackie. I think her father was in the navy, too, so our parents were close. When my family moved back to the States, I can't even remember if we got to say goodbye, but nonetheless, a few years later, in a chance meeting in a U.S. McDonalds, we met up with her family again long enough to say hello.

But there was another girl I remember, and she was one who would always run off with Jackie and the two would snug me, leaving me feeling ostracized and alone. Once, while trying to befriend her, my mother gave me a bunch of bananas to share with them. I accidentally dropped one down the sewer on the way there, but it wouln't have mattered. By the time I got the park, I could see them, but I was too afraid and too shy to say anything even as I watched Jackie ignore me the entire time.

I can't even remember the girl's name these days, but I do remember that she was selfish, nasty, unfair, and a thousand different things I always thought she had no right to be. I thought I had forgotten her, that she was a page turned over not to be reread. But around two years ago my mother came in contact with a friend of the family and found out through them that the little girl we always thought was cruel and avoidant by personality was actually a victim of child abuse and molestation. I remember feeling angry when I heard that. Angry that it had happened to her, but selfishly angry too that I couldn't hate her anymore.

Funny how memory catches up with us even as we traverse oceans. Funny how the mind wills us to remember the things we sometimes want to let go.
Sep. 24th, 2004 12:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, my God... Nothing *that* horrible has ever happened to the people I hate (that I know of), but I usually do find reasons not to hate them. For example, when I was on a soccer team when I was 8, a girl would always come over and monopolize my friend. i was always angry, and tried to make my friend leave the girl alone and come over and talk with me. Finally, my friend got fed up and explained to me that she was the only person the girl knew, and the girl had some sort of disease - not ADD, but something like it, I think - that made her not good with other people. She realized this, and therefore clung to the people that could stand her, and didn't want to talk to other people. I felt horrible for being so mean to her, and after that I was always a lot nicer to her. We lost contact after I quit the team, but she was always fun to talk to.

Not quite as deep as your other meditations, but it's just my example ^^;;;;
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )